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31 Mind 27 Prime…

End of the week or the beginning ?!

It’s Sunday evening. I’m currently sitting on my couch re-evaluating the week and my focus. 

I went to the city yesterday until today. It’s funny I always thought I was a city girl, but I’m not. I love the way they portray the  city in the movies, the actually city though…. team to much. It was fun though. I went for my friend Kristina’s birthday. 

Celebrating someone is interesting. You get to see people’s perspective of themselves, what they like, what’s fun for them, how they value themselves. I’ve never been brave enough to do that… not for myself. So I appreciate her for inviting me. I am mad the shoes I’ve been eyeing for a couple of years on other ppl are $1600 thooouugghhhh 😫.

There were a couple of things I’ve noticed about myself, I miss J’la all the time. It must be a mom thing because I thought I needed that break but I thought about her and the ppl watching her the whole time, I actually like nice things, but genuinely not for the name but noticing there IS a difference in quality, I could possibly plan something to do & ppl would come, and that I need to take a risk (when I come to clothes) lol I ALWAYS look the same. I swear I’m to old for something, I’m a mom so I can’t wear this, it’s to cold I can’t wear that. I stay in some jeans and a tank top lol


But….BUT.. look at 31 thoooouuuggghhh!

I started going out at 19 and I still look like I did at 19. I’m dead serious proud of myself for that lolol. 

               â¤ï¸Happy 27th Kristina ❤️

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Where do I go from here..


Work tomorrow. Monday….. Columbus Day… white people are going to be walking on egg shells tomorrow lol.

I stayed home all day. Sweat pants no make up. I wished I had tomorrow too. 


Yesterday was Tay’s Breast cancer event. It was nice. Everyone loves J’la it makes me feel so good, and it was just a nice vibe. I was watching everyone have a good time, laughing, joking, dancing, just happy. Honestly, that’s usually why I stay in the house. As nice as it was to be out and see people, it’s hard for me not to think of Jeffery. Jeffery being missing is so APPARENT to me, it makes things incomplete for me. The first time I attended Tay’s event there was 5 of us, now it’s just 2. I see people with their families, with their significant other and it makes me miss my life. They always joke about me being m.i.a, I’m usually someone you have to summons. If you really want me to be somewhere you have to tell me you really want me to be there. 

It was nice though. A very nice distraction. 


I’m sitting here trying to figure out what to write about. I really want to write how I feel, but I don’t want it to be violins. I’m just really in my feelings. Some thing that has made my day though is when people do see me outside they tell me they like my pics and stuff. I went to McDonalds the other day and a young girl said she watched my YouTube. I was gassed I’m not going to lie. I went to marshalls and the cashier was like are you Denise ? I follow you on fb. So I guess my pics aren’t a total loss. -shrugs- I’ve been in my feelings so I havent taken a pic in a few days, but J’la has been slaying! 


Kids really do watch everything you do. Well my kid does, she does things I do, says things I do. I have to start going outside. I can’t have her hiding from ppl like I do. 
Anywho…….. try me next week. ❤️

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Let it go tonight, let it go tonight…


I was going to do another one tonight but I’m tired, and J’la is running around. I have to get her to sleep at night. Jeffery’s mom made a suggestion that I’m going to try. She’s making me look old!!! Every time I mention I have a daughter people look at me like ” really?! “. This older man said tonight ” aww you’re a young mom ” I’m like 😒 I’m about to be 31! 

I’ll take the compliment though lol.

Today was a weird day. I’ve been experiencing P.M.S after everything is over. It’s weird. Usually during that particular week, I hate my life. My life just isn’t enough during that particular week, which I feel guilty for…… Jeffery ❤️, the boys, Ellen’s mom, Miranda’s mom, Yola’s mom.. so many ppl in the last 2 years.. I have life. 

There’s so much that needs to be done. I had to text my friend Ellen to get my life. I’m ashamed to admit it, but I will because I can’t front… this is the first job I got benefits. I have no clue about what insurance to pick, how much to put in a 401k, none of that. Thank God, I had a man about his business because how in the hell am I surviving over here?!? She helped me with that today. I got into a car accident 2 weeks ago and I don’t know what to do with that either. I’ve just been waiting. I am a bad driver but it wasn’t my fault & they agreed. They are paying for it.

Work is eh… 

on a postive note I’m off Friday. Hopefully me and Kal go to the Danbury mall. I’ve never been & I love to shop, even window shopping! I get paid on Friday but I’m on a serious budget. Christmas, birthdays, bills… but I hate online shopping!!! I like to see what I’m buying, try it on, leave with the item especially when the money came out of my account lol. Should be fun!

Well, j’la is too quiet. It usually means she’s tearing something up 🙄

 
Good night.

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🎧 I’m going to look for my Glory, I’ll be back soon…

So my make up has been pretty good for the last couple of days. 


I’ve been having eyebrow struggles I’m not going to lie. Lol.

So I’ve been in a serene space it might be the Solange album. That Weary record?! So Fire. It’s simple but still fire. 

I need a new phone ASAP! They want to much lol. $500 I’m like whhhyyy?! But if the lord is willing. 

I’m stalling, trying to figure out what to talk about. I really want people around me that I can talk makeup, clothes, pictures with. My selfies has definitely stepped up a whole lot. I need to learn how to network better. I don’t want to post to much & lose followers I have but I gotta gain new ones. You guys might have to unfollow if I’m to much for you. But I need someone with an eye, better yet can see my vision because I have an eye. It’s work, real fun enjoyable work though. 


I need more body shots, for my clothes. 
I don’t really have anything personal to tell you. A couple of people has asked around if I talk to someone. No, I don’t. Lol. Is it hard for someone to be by themselves, really by themselves ? It’s really not that bad. I mean if I saw a bunch of people living lovely maybe I would be lonely but…….. I don’t see it often. So I’m good lol.

I really want to do something fun & nice. No drama though, like if I’m going to be cute & a blast in a glass I need people to act right. I’m quick to be like let’s get out of here, this ain’t for me ✌🏾️
I’m going to have to learn to do things by myself…. 

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Paid Time Off


Fall is here. I woke up this morning hiding under the covers from the cold air. I turned my heat on. I had to warm my car up first, I’m not ready for the cold. I just wanted it to be cool enough to wear boots. 

I have off a few days! I don’t want to spend them in the house though. I need them to be productive and I need to hang out with J’la. I don’t know what to do with her though. Pumpkin picking? Movies? I don’t know. I was going to go away somewhere but I just put a deposit down for her birthday party! Her birthday isn’t until January but we are going away for a weekend. I need to make sure everything is financially together, so I am thinking ahead.


What I should be doing is recording my look book. It should have been done already. A look book is just a showing of outfits. I said I was going to do it, had all the outfits but of course didn’t do it. If I record everyday I’m off. I will have a nice video…. I’m hoping. I have to practice editing.




I shall start right now. 

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September Update 


What’s up?!

It’s been a minute, I feel like I need to catch you up on things. I didn’t check when the last time I wrote something before I decided to write this, but I got a job. I can say it now but I was jobless for 2 months. Stressed! Lol, yo it’s mad hard to get a job around here. I don’t even know why like lol uncalled for, but now I’m part of the management team at DSW. It’s cool in an easy, they play good music, discount is too crazy, I love shoes kind of way. It could be mad fun if we had a couple of fun people in the mix but -shrugs- I like it. It kind of fell on my lap &&&&&&& my bills were paid when I was off the two months. 


J’la is big as heck. She always got something smart to say now that she’s talking. She’s a TERRIBLE 2. I really do not have the patience for it. Lol. Everything is good with her.

J’la’s sisters?

I don’t even feel like going into it, just know we still can’t see them. We did go to court and basically because we aren’t their parents there’s nothing we can do.

-shrugs- & when the 1st lady of a church can put her hands on a bible and lie, it’s really no need for the back & forth.

I do the right thing with mines.


I do have to say I am getting a little bored though. I want some excitement. I don’t know what the excitement I want but something new. I’m working on it.

Not much going on, I am better than my last post though ❤️.
Thank you for reading my thoughts. 

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Ranting

It’s only 10am and in totally in my feelings. I couldn’t sleep last night. I think I only got 3 hrs……

I’m really sad, a little angry, overwhelmed. You can only pretend for so long, which is easy to do over the phone. I text & post pictures and it’s like everyone can see me. They can see that I’m doing ok, but I’m really not ok. So I’ve been going back and forth with God. I’m trying to be faithful. I thank him for being taken care of. I say all the  time I would never be able to do this without him. I try my best to keep in mind he got me and I personally have an angel that’s going to annoyed God so much that great things will be in my favor ALWAYS, but at the same time I’m like why it gotta be like this? Why couldn’t we enjoy life together and be blessed, faithful, happy. I’m sooo unhappy. I’m confused. Why take one of the ppl that LOVED me, that actually really loved me for me? It’s been a year and some change and I still don’t know what I’m suppose to do? & on top of that I feel worse than I did last year. 

It’s not easy, then if that’s not the hardest thing I ever had to experience personally, I still gotta deal with life which is up and down all the time. I have to worry about my finances, my family (which I have 2 now who are completely different) My family…. which absolutely suck. I planned a party for my mom and the ppl I could use the most help from to make her feel special are the ppl that hurt her the most. I hurt my pockets so they could hurt her feelings? It’s bugs me. Then Jeffery’s family who are experiencing life… & you know how that goes.. When life happens you get a little more distant. I’m at a weird place so I’m already distant but I hope not to the point where I lose them….. I really need them. I have to go to court, fighting for the girls. Fighting for the girls is never a problem but why are we still having to fight? I don’t want to fight with someone I really don’t care about for ppl who has experienced the worst thing they could ever experience. Why are we doing this to our children if losing him is hard for us? It’s sooo annoying!! I miss my friends, my best friend is just as hurt as I am because she just lost her mom…2 lost ppl together? How does that work? 

I cry everyday. Every. Single. Day… Thank god for filters. & small things that happen ruin my day like yesterday I cracked my screen. I just paid $300 for a new phone a few weeks ago & now I have to pay another $150 that I really don’t have! 

It makes me feel guilty for praising God. Can you thank him but complain? Can you be like I trust you then worry? Can you be like I love you but I hate my life? Does it work like that? I don’t think so but I don’t know. 
I need answers and a little more hope.

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